throw my heart to the sky
by Masquerading with Shadows
Summary: It doesn't work, it's not supposed to happen. / Tori&Jade, told backwards.


She kisses her, hard up against the door with her hand still gripping to tightly at her wrist, until Jade pulls rips her mouth away and stares at her with dark and wild eyes. She lashes her hand out of Tori's grip and pushes her, making her stumble back.

"I hate you," Jade hisses. Without missing a beat, she replies,

"I know. So do I." (Except the second part sounds forced and delayed and her hands are already digging crescents into her skin, just to match the ones on her back.)

She closes her eyes again and hears the door slam shut, the walls ratting and her hands shaking slightly. When she looks at the door again, Jade isn't there.

She pretends that never was at all.

.

Jade comes in through her window, and before she even knows what's happening, pushes her up against the wall and bites her and sucks away the blood, scratches her and fucks her until it all blends into one, a mass of pleasure and pain. _This is what you've always been_, a voice reminds her, but it sounds so much like Jade, the same tone and hiss of her voice, that she isn't sure whether she thought it or not.

It's not like last time at all, because they don't fit, the pretence has been dropped. She doesn't feel equal, just small and confused, and it's like the first time all over again, except worse because she remembers all of it now, from the very beginning, and it's just not fucking _fair_.

She's on the bed now, Jade straddling her hips as her shorts and panties fall off her feet and onto the floor. She realises, through the blur of colour and pleasure, that Jade's still fully dressed, and she digs her nails into Jade's thighs when she realises that she still smells like Beck, only to have Jade push into her harder and add another finger so that she unwillingly moans her name.

By the time they're finished, she's seeing spots in front of her eyes and she's only in her shirt, and Jade is already off the bed, like always. Except it's different this time, because she can feel the shift in their dynamic, even though they shouldn't have ever had a dynamic to begin with. Already, she's walking towards the door, and Tori calls out weakly,

"Wait." and grabs onto her wrist.

(_It's not fair_, she thinks. _None of it_.)

.

She cries the whole way home on the bus, except she's not sure who for. All she knows is that she calls her once and hangs up, just as the dial tone rings out a final and there's the hitch of breath that she knows so well by now. The next thing she does is hang up and drop her phone.

_Give it up_, she thinks bitterly.

(She completely fucking aware of the bloody pun.)

All she knows by the time she gets home is that the image of silhouettes and tangled sheets will forever be burned into her brain, just like that cigarette.

.

She goes over to Jade's house once only, because the rest of their rendezvous are spent at her house with an unlocked door or in bathrooms or closets - but nothing truly dignified. The whole time, Jade just smokes a cigarette and Tori wonders how sick you can get off of second hand smoke.

(At least, that's what she wonders when a manicured hand isn't slipping beneath her panties -

but it's all the same, because everything burns, whether it's them, or it's her hand as she fumbles with the lighter the first time she tries to light a cigarette. By the time she lights it, her hand is aching and she drops it and chars the post-it-note until it's almost unrecognisable.

She leaves it on Jade's beside table anyway.)

.

"You love Beck," she says. Everybody's left, already getting ready for class, and the only reason she hasn't left is because Jade's always the first one to leave, and also because she's never alone with Jade, not really. It's not them (or maybe it is, because she doesn't think anything could be more real than the feelings she gets, the extreme ones that hit her and make her scream, could be anything but real).

"Thank you, _Katherine_ Obvious," she smirks back. It fades as soon as Tori starts to open her mouth again. "Don't give me that shit, all right?" Her grip on coffee cup tightens.

"I just want to know why," she persists. Jade stays silent. "So what, did you just run out of things to break?"

"You," Jade replies, her eyes fiery yet her tone calm, "could always say no. Besides, you should already know." And she really doesn't have anything to say, even though her question hasn't been answered, not at all.

She suddenly sees a smirk reappear.

"Vega, you're ten minutes late to class."

.

"We could do something more," Tori whispers, almost wanting Jade to not hear her. But she does, and she almost moans when Jade stops kissing her neck, and raises an eyebrow at her. Her body still feels hypersensitive, her skin tingling and her heart ricocheting around her chest, the sensations only heightened under Jade's gaze. She takes a deep breath, licks her lips and says,

"The sex stuff, I mean. More than that."

"And what, exactly, would be the next step up from fucking?" Jade replies, crossing her arms over her chest. "Playing croquet together?" And she thinks that she may have a point, even though love should be in there somewhere as well. Suddenly feeling very tired, she slides down the wall, the ache between her legs dulling.

"I -" There's nothing for her to say.

Instead of leaving, like she's supposed to, Jade sits down across from her, with her arms still folded, and a bored expression on her face. She looks down, trailing the floor with her finger in random patterns.

"You can go," she says, possibly a little harsher than needed. Jade continues to look unfazed.

"I know," she answers, not bothering to look up. "But there's nowhere else to go, and I sort of want to fuck you." She feels herself wince at the word. When Jade looks up, she just shakes her head and doesn't look her in the eye.

(It's just, it doesn't happen, but they still stay like that, and Tori can't help but wonder what it means.

Even though she's _knows _it's nothing.)

.

"This doesn't work," she whispers into the night air, hoping Jade's asleep, or at least dozing. She still has her make-up on from the concert, can feel glitter on her skin even though it should've been wiped off, cleaned away but sweat and sharp nails. She can feel every inch of space between them, their shoulders not touching, but still close enough so that she can feel the warmth of skin. She's terrified that if she moves, she'll brush up against her.

Her body tenses even more when she realises that she realises that Jade should've left by now, and wills herself to fall asleep. She watches as each number on her clock changes, _5, 6, 7, 8_, before she finally feels herself falling asleep. Just as she's about to fall into the abyss of sleep, she thinks she hears a whisper in her ear, a slight lift of weight.

"It's not supposed to."

.

The tiles of the bathroom floor are sending chills across her spine, making goose bumps appear on her bare legs and arms. Jade's still panting, even as she pulls her panties and jeans back up, and attempts to fix her hair and shirt in the mirror. She doesn't look at her.

Tori's only just getting her pants back up her legs when she heads for the door, starting to pull it open, only to turn back to Tori (which never happens, and it's not right). Taking a deep breath, and coughing slightly, she mutters,

"Thanks."

She stares at the door for ten minutes after she's gone, and realises that nothing makes any sense at all.

She should be used to this by now.

It's the only thought running through her head as she moans and pants, brooms and shelves digging into her back. Nothing's changed, except that maybe this is the first time Jade has taken her out of class to fuck her in the janitor's closet. Yet the thrill is still there. Even though they've done this countless times, it still makes her head dizzy and she still gasps every time Jade finds _that_ spot, and oh god, _fuck_, there it is.

"Jade - "

"Shut up, Vega," comes the prompt reply, and she does, because she really wants her to do that thing with her fingers again. With another groan, she comes, and vaguely feels Jade's fingers start to fasten and slow as well. She lets out a shuddering sigh.

"Note's in your back pocket," Jade says in her ear, and all she can do is nod weakly.

.

"What are we?" she asks Jade one day, starting to lazily trace the back of Jade's hand. She feels a quick snap to her hand and a dip in the bed as she starts to get up, and sees the frown on her face.

"That question better have been rhetorical," Jade snaps.

She doesn't ask again.

.

Jade's grip on her hips is tight, painful and leaving bruises, but she doesn't care. Her skin is flushed by now, slick with sweat, and she knows that she's close. Her fingers keep on slipping and fumbling, out of rhythm with Jade's. She closes her eyes, trying to focus on one thing at a time, when lips suddenly come crashing down on hers. She gasps. The kiss only lasts for a couple of seconds, before Jade moves her lips to her ear. She feels the rhythm quicken.

"I just," Jade whispers, and Tori realises that she's out of breath to, and she feels a jolt run through her. "You were there, and how I felt, and oh _fuck_." She can barely hear Jade, only the sensation as her breath hits her ear, but she can't understand a word she says. Her mind's a mess, and all she can think is, _more yes more god_.

(Except maybe she sort of knows what she means. But not really

- _what?_)

.

"I'm not lesbian," she says. There's no change of emotion in Jade's face.

"I'm not, really." There's a hint of a smirk forming now.

"I don't like you," she says finally, surprisingly bitter for her. At this, there's a full blown smirk.

"Me either."

.

It happens a second time.

And that just really fucks it all up for her.

.

She doesn't speak to Jade for a week, but every time she sees her she's smirking at her, or maybe someone else. And she's not really sure why that gets to her so much, why it should've changed, because Jade smirks at everybody, _especially_ her. But each time she looks at Jade, she gets chills up her spine and it scares her.

A lot.

She's in English, and she can't keep on glancing at Jade, who has her feet up on the desk and isn't paying attention - but neither is she, so she's not really sure that she should judge. Each time she tries to listen to the teacher, she can't help but look down at her notebook, and she starts to trace patterns over and over again (except she stops that too, because as soon as she starts thinking about Jade, she starts to draw swirls, going in on each other, and she wonders, but sort of knows too, what that means).

A note flutters onto her desk, and she doesn't even have to look over at Jade and see the smirk to know it's from her.

_Last time someone stared at me like that, I got laid._She writes back hurriedly, her handwriting messy rather than her usual neat printing. She starts to feel sick almost. Jade's reply is quick.

_Stop acting like that. I think we both know what will happen. _

She doesn't reply, and scrunches up the note, and Jade's pen and hers both smudge together, and she has to leave class early, and even after she's torn up the note and thrown it into the bin, she still feels bad.

.

Their first time is a blur, but she gets pushed up against the lockers after school, and feels lips on hers, and black fingernails digging into her hips. She doesn't say no, but she doesn't really say yes either when Jade starts to unbutton her pants.

She can barely remember anything else, just cold fingers and breaths mixing together, and sweat and pleasure.

She can't remember if she feels good or bad afterwards.

.

"I hate you," Jade says to her. She rolls her eyes.

"This isn't exactly new information," she says. Jade frowns, purses her lips together, and looks even more annoyed than usual.

"You're _supposed _to say it back to me," she says, exasperation in her voice. "It's no fun if you don't say it back."

"I don't hate you, though," she replies. "I don't like you, but I don't hate you." This time, it's Jade's turn to roll her eyes, and she shakes her head at Tori.

"And this is why I hate you."

* * *

**Disclaimer: Victorious is not mine. Line also stolen from Supernatural.**

* * *

**A/N: First time writing for a non-canon slash pairing. Also, most of this was based on iloveyou123's story, don't let your shadow spoil the view. If it was confusing, read it from the end up. Review/PM if you have questions, hated it, loved it, etc.**


End file.
